Anxiety that has turned up lately, rather than always being there, is usually telling you something specific. Most often it means the demands on you and your capacity to meet them are no longer matched. Here is what that looks like day to day, why it builds so quietly, and when it is worth talking to someone.
Why has anxiety turned up now, when nothing has obviously changed?
For most people nothing dramatic has happened. What has shifted is the balance between what you are carrying and what you have available to carry it with. Anxiety builds quietly while you are still managing, and only becomes hard to ignore once the strategies that used to work stop working as well.
You have probably been in coping mode for a while. That is not a failure of character, it is what most of us do. We keep going, we absorb a bit more, and assume that because we managed last month we will manage this month.
The part that gets missed is effort. When we look at the week ahead we count time, not load, so we treat two very different hours as the same thing. Take leaving work to pick up the kids. On paper it is one task. In practice you are watching the clock all afternoon, working out when to pack up, making sure you are not pulled into a conversation on the way out, then driving in traffic hoping you arrive before the bell. None of that appears in the calendar. All of it costs something.
Can you cope too well?
Yes, and it is one of the more common reasons anxiety appears in people whose lives look fine from the outside. Coping well over a long stretch is often overfunctioning. Being able to manage something is not the same as being able to manage it indefinitely, and the difference tends to show up as anxiety rather than an obvious problem.
Think about carrying a ten kilo bag of potatoes. You can lift it without much trouble. Hold it long enough and your arms start to ache, and at some point you have to put it down. Once you are that fatigued, even a one kilo bag feels like work. Nothing about your strength has changed. What has changed is how long you have been carrying it, which is usually the real answer when something you used to handle easily starts to feel hard.
What you might notice
Everyday anxiety usually shows up in small habits rather than obvious distress, which is why it is easy to explain away as being organised, or careful, or just how you are. The signs tend to cluster in three places: your thinking, your body, and how you are with other people.
In your thinking, you might notice:
- small worries taking up far more room than they should
- replaying a conversation afterwards, wondering what you did wrong
- rewriting and rereading a text before you send it, or overthinking decisions that do not warrant it
- planning for every version of the day, then feeling thrown when the plan changes
- needing the tasks done, or the house tidy, before you can relax
In your body, you might notice:
- a clenched jaw, tight shoulders, headaches or muscle tension
- a heart rate that feels faster than the situation calls for
- trouble winding down at night, trouble falling asleep, or waking through the night
- feeling worn out after a day that was not physically demanding, or waking up already switched on, or feelings of dread
With other people, you might notice:
- a shorter fuse, or irritation at things that would not usually bother you
- assuming someone is annoyed with you because something in their tone seemed off
- needing reassurance because you do not quite trust your own read on things
- saying yes when you want to say no, and apologising often
- leaving social events early, not being able to focus and concentrate on conversations, harder to engage and enjoy company of others
- staying busy enough that there is never a quiet moment to stop and notice what is bothering you
On its own, none of this means much. Together, and over several months, it is worth paying attention to.
Why do we experience anxiety?
Anxiety has a function. At low levels it keeps you safe by making you alert to what is happening around you and to what might go wrong. The discomfort is the point of it. Anxiety is information rather than a malfunction, and understanding that changes how you respond when it shows up.
Think of anxiety as a smoke detector. Its job is to tell you when something is not right, and you want it working to alert you to this. What you do not want is one so sensitive that it goes off every time you make toast.
That is roughly what happens when anxiety has been running a long time. Your nervous system is not only guarding against physical danger, it is also watching for anything it reads as an emotional threat: judgment, failure, letting someone down, being caught out, rejection. And it has no eyes on the outside world, so it works from what you think or perceive is happening, or what you think might happen. That is why you can feel genuinely anxious about a conversation that has not taken place, or during a film you know is not real.
At lower levels this is useful. It is what makes you look before you cross the road, and who to trust before giving personal information, and it can tell you when you are doing too much. The trouble starts when you override it. Ignore the alarm long enough and it does not go quiet, it gets louder. Once it is loud enough to be frightening, people often start to fear the anxiety itself and begin avoiding anything likely to set it off. The world gets smaller and the alarm can get more sensitive.
How do you know when it is worth doing something about it?
There is no threshold you have to reach before you’re allowed to ask for support. Think of it like an achy elbow. At some point you notice it’s hanging around longer than it should, and you get it checked. Worry works the same way. A more useful question than “is it bad enough?” is whether it’s still there, and whether it’s getting in the way of living the way you want to. You do not need to be in crisis, and you do not need a diagnosis, to talk to a psychologist.
Think about an achy elbow. You would probably leave it for a while. At some point you notice it is still there, it has been there too long, and you decide to get it looked at. Nobody would call that an overreaction. A worry works the same way. If it is still hanging around, that on its own is reason enough to have it looked at.
Two versions of the same stigma get in the way here. The first is whether it is really bad enough. The second is the mirror image of it: if I do need help, does that mean something serious is going on. Both keep people waiting, sometimes for years.
Psychologists have their own psychologists and their own supervisors, for the straightforward reason that everybody has blind spots. Talking to someone is not evidence that something has gone ‘wrong’ with you. It is closer to servicing the car before it breaks down, which most of us agree is required and helpful, while not giving our minds the same sort of attention and care.
If things feel unsafe or unmanageable right now, please do not wait for an appointment. Call 000 in an emergency. You can also contact Lifeline on 13 11 14, Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636, or 13YARN on 13 92 76. Kids Helpline is available on 1800 55 1800 for people aged 5 to 25.
How we work with anxiety
We start with why the anxiety is there, not only with what to do about it. Practical strategies are part of the work and they matter. On their own they tend not to hold, because they manage something without addressing what is driving it underneath.
Anxiety makes more sense once you can see the whole picture: your history, your neurology, the demands you are carrying, and the family, culture and workplace you sit inside. Two people can arrive with the same symptom for completely different reasons, and what helps is rarely the same.
Our team draws on a range of evidence-based approaches, matched to you rather than to the label. These include acceptance and commitment therapy, cognitive and behavioural therapy, emotion-focussed therapy,
EMDR, mindfulness, and strength-based and solution-focussed strategies. You can read more about what to expect from seeing a psychologist, and your psychologist will talk through how they work with you in your first session.
We are also not just trying to get you back to zero. Difficulty is going to keep happening, and a life with no challenge in it tends to make people more anxious rather than less. What we work towards is you understanding your own patterns well enough to make deliberate choices instead of reactive ones, and to carry what matters to you rather than everything you have picked up.
Common questions about therapy for anxiety
Do I need a GP referral to see a psychologist?
No. You can see a psychologist as a private client without a referral. You will need one if you want to claim a Medicare rebate or claim through private health insurance. A GP, paediatrician or psychiatrist can complete a Mental Health Care Plan with you and provide you with a referral, which gives access to Medicare rebates for up to 10 sessions per calendar year.
Is anxiety something that gets diagnosed?
Sometimes, and sometimes not. Many of the people we work with are dealing with real anxiety that never needs a formal label. Where a diagnosis is relevant, the name for it usually comes later, once there is a clearer picture of what is going on and why.
How long does therapy take?
There is no set answer. It depends on what you are working with, what you want out of it, and what is realistic alongside the rest of your life. Your psychologist will develop a plan with you in the first session and keep reviewing it with you as you go.
Can I do this online instead of coming in?
Yes. We offer sessions online as well as in person at Surrey Hills and Coburg North. Most people prefer face to face, but online suits those who live further away or find it easier to talk from home or fit in within the other demands in their lives.
Talking to someone
If any of this sounds familiar, you are welcome to get in touch. Our psychologists work with children, teens and adults at Surrey Hills and Coburg North, and online. You can start with an Intake Call to talk through what you are dealing with and whether we are the right fit. Call 03 7002 6030 or make an appointment.
You may also find our article on managing anxiety day to day useful.
About the author
Anita Missiha is a Principal Psychologist at Insightful Living Co. and a registered member of the Australian Psychological Society (APS), with a special interest in anxiety, depression, ADHD, rejection sensitivity, eating concerns and work-life balance and work-related issues.